Mother's Day

So.... (big sigh) I have not been writing..must change this. Here I am - that is a start right? It is for me today. Mother's day is Sunday and I am not sure I have realized just how much I am not looking forward to it. I mean, I am a mother so I should celebrate me, right Well I don't feel like it. I feel like a 5 yr old little girl, stomping my foot in the dirt and saying, "I don't have one, so I am not going to play." Everyone wants to know what I want to do????? I don't know. I don't know what to do? Yes, I am a mother, but I want MY mother. I realized today that although I had the boys make gifts for their other grandmother... I have neglected to buy any cards. By now I would normally have sent them to my stepmother, grandmother, etc... I guess I just could not deal. Last year was easy... I was still in shock and we celebrated MY mother all weekend with her memorial service and spreading her ashes on the marsh. But this year....what to do this year? Crawl under the covers and not come out sounds good. Drink? Eat? Oh right can't do those I am on a strict diet. I do want to go the beach and just be.... but alone? with jeff? with the kids? I have no idea what I want. All I know is, every day there is a huge whole, but I do ok and today I am not ok...today I am scared, lonely and vulnerable. Today I want my mommy.