Pancakes

So, here I am sitting at the head of the dining room table at the house in Scituate. This was my mom's seat. This is where she sat all the time. She ate here, read here and worked at her computer here just like I am right now. I am spending the whole month here and it is already more than half over... it has been very nice to be here and spend time with the boys. My mom would love it. She always wanted to see the boys playing on the marsh and at minot beach. Benjamin is not afraid to climb "well rock" anymore by himself, a major accomplishment. I can feel her all around us, especially when I do the things she would do for us..like make pancakes in the morning on the big griddle. Every time I hear the pantry door creak I remember her getting it out, as I lay sleepily in my bed. Next the smell of melting butter and blueberry pancakes would waft down the stairs and I would be forced from the comfort of my covers. Earl Grey tea and pancakes on the deck...just one of many great memories.

Can you hear me?

Why is it that someone can tell us the same thing over and over and yet we don't hear it until we think it for ourselves? Or did we hear it but it is not relevant yet?

I am sure I don't have the answer... If life is a roller coaster - I often feel like my car is completely off the tracks, never mind the up and down. I like the part where you just go along and all is calm... there is something up ahead to look forward to, but right now it is comfortable and everything seems to line up and have purpose. OK, so a bit corny....but sometimes true. In the past few years... I wasn't even in control of my car and lately it seems like I am back on track and comfortable.

In March, I went to see a psychic. It was unbelievable. I can't even describe the feeling of connecting with my mom. Something inside of me changed that day and every day since. I still miss my mother. I still cry at times I don't expect to cry and it still hurts and seems unfair. The change is different, it is deep inside. I have moved forward. I got a tattoo in memory of my mom - seashells of course. That process in itself deserves a blog.. but it helped on the journey. I learned that a 3rd child is in my future. The woman told me I needed to take better care of myself...that my mother wanted me to take care of me. In the past few months, I have lost 20 lbs, started accupuncture, yoga and will do IVF this summer.... holy shit. I would say a big change... a shift has occurred. We are working hard for that baby and somehow I just know my mom has some part in it, like my mother will be a part of this baby. She always encouraged me to explore these avenues for inner strength and calm, to make myself important. Of course, I just said.. "I know mom.." but now as I do these things, I feel her with me... smiling that I heard her.

Loss

The dictionary has several definitions for the word, but I think it is so much more than any of the words that the dictionary uses to try and define it. I think each person has their own meaning for it... I experienced loss in a most profound way last year. When I lost my mother, I lost so much more. For awhile I lost my compass and in a way EVERYTHING. I had to start to figure out who I am and that can be a little scary. Of course, I am only just beginning to figure it out. I do know that change is something I have never been good at. As a little girl, my parents divorced. I am pretty sure that this change set the tone for how I would deal with change...it scares me and I cling and claw for whatever it is to stay the same. As I have grown older I try to release my grip and remember that in some instances something even better has come out from the change... but it so hard to see that in the moment.

Today I learned that our beloved friend and mother's helper and nanny will be leaving us at the end of the summer. She will be back to school as a full time student and therefore will not have the time or energy to commit to our family. Of course I fully understand this and support this, but even as I write it the tears stream down my cheeks. We have come to love and value her very much and I cannot imagine that we will be able to replace her. The loss that the boys will feel yet again shatters my heart. It has been so hard for Benjamin to get close to anyone since my mother was ill. We lost one nanny after 18 months - she is still an amazing friend and occasional sitter, but this loss was very hard for all of us after losing my mom. It was hard to find someone after she left, but after 4 months we got lucky and found this amazing person. I knew from the beginning she might not be able to stay, but somehow thought it would all work out. So here were are again. I will have to tell the boys...

Not to mention - starting over - ugh.

Mother's Day

So.... (big sigh) I have not been writing..must change this. Here I am - that is a start right? It is for me today. Mother's day is Sunday and I am not sure I have realized just how much I am not looking forward to it. I mean, I am a mother so I should celebrate me, right Well I don't feel like it. I feel like a 5 yr old little girl, stomping my foot in the dirt and saying, "I don't have one, so I am not going to play." Everyone wants to know what I want to do????? I don't know. I don't know what to do? Yes, I am a mother, but I want MY mother. I realized today that although I had the boys make gifts for their other grandmother... I have neglected to buy any cards. By now I would normally have sent them to my stepmother, grandmother, etc... I guess I just could not deal. Last year was easy... I was still in shock and we celebrated MY mother all weekend with her memorial service and spreading her ashes on the marsh. But this year....what to do this year? Crawl under the covers and not come out sounds good. Drink? Eat? Oh right can't do those I am on a strict diet. I do want to go the beach and just be.... but alone? with jeff? with the kids? I have no idea what I want. All I know is, every day there is a huge whole, but I do ok and today I am not ok...today I am scared, lonely and vulnerable. Today I want my mommy.

new beginnings

So... this is my first blog ever. I am sure I have a lot to learn. Today marks the beginning of a new journey. One that I hope will help others, but most of all one that I hope will help me.

One year ago this month I lost one of the most important people in my life, my mom. It was a terrible day, but one that also brought relief. Relief that she would no longer have to live in terrible pain. I have gone through so many emotions along this road.... I feel I need to put them out there to sort through them and untangle them in order to find myself.

So, I hope to try and look back and relive, but also share the present moments... some related to this life shifting event and some just ordinary daily life with 2 small children.