Loss

The dictionary has several definitions for the word, but I think it is so much more than any of the words that the dictionary uses to try and define it. I think each person has their own meaning for it... I experienced loss in a most profound way last year. When I lost my mother, I lost so much more. For awhile I lost my compass and in a way EVERYTHING. I had to start to figure out who I am and that can be a little scary. Of course, I am only just beginning to figure it out. I do know that change is something I have never been good at. As a little girl, my parents divorced. I am pretty sure that this change set the tone for how I would deal with change...it scares me and I cling and claw for whatever it is to stay the same. As I have grown older I try to release my grip and remember that in some instances something even better has come out from the change... but it so hard to see that in the moment.

Today I learned that our beloved friend and mother's helper and nanny will be leaving us at the end of the summer. She will be back to school as a full time student and therefore will not have the time or energy to commit to our family. Of course I fully understand this and support this, but even as I write it the tears stream down my cheeks. We have come to love and value her very much and I cannot imagine that we will be able to replace her. The loss that the boys will feel yet again shatters my heart. It has been so hard for Benjamin to get close to anyone since my mother was ill. We lost one nanny after 18 months - she is still an amazing friend and occasional sitter, but this loss was very hard for all of us after losing my mom. It was hard to find someone after she left, but after 4 months we got lucky and found this amazing person. I knew from the beginning she might not be able to stay, but somehow thought it would all work out. So here were are again. I will have to tell the boys...

Not to mention - starting over - ugh.

Mother's Day

So.... (big sigh) I have not been writing..must change this. Here I am - that is a start right? It is for me today. Mother's day is Sunday and I am not sure I have realized just how much I am not looking forward to it. I mean, I am a mother so I should celebrate me, right Well I don't feel like it. I feel like a 5 yr old little girl, stomping my foot in the dirt and saying, "I don't have one, so I am not going to play." Everyone wants to know what I want to do????? I don't know. I don't know what to do? Yes, I am a mother, but I want MY mother. I realized today that although I had the boys make gifts for their other grandmother... I have neglected to buy any cards. By now I would normally have sent them to my stepmother, grandmother, etc... I guess I just could not deal. Last year was easy... I was still in shock and we celebrated MY mother all weekend with her memorial service and spreading her ashes on the marsh. But this year....what to do this year? Crawl under the covers and not come out sounds good. Drink? Eat? Oh right can't do those I am on a strict diet. I do want to go the beach and just be.... but alone? with jeff? with the kids? I have no idea what I want. All I know is, every day there is a huge whole, but I do ok and today I am not ok...today I am scared, lonely and vulnerable. Today I want my mommy.